Sunday, November 27, 2011

Eight rotations later...

"Ten years from now, you won't know my name."
Sheesh, Roper. Now we'll NEVER KNOW, WILL WE?

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Style Tips for the Time-Challenged

You're a modern, busy woman. Between child-bearing and rearing, workin hard for the money, self-defense and yoga classes, bank deposits and errand trips, learning photography and painting, summiting Mt. Laundry, and reading Yelp two hours a day, you have a lot on your plate, and you're expected to look good getting it all done. It sounds impossible, but lucky for you, I've got a few simple tips.

1. Side-swept Bangs
The next time you change up your hairstyle, acquire some versatile, side-sweeping bangs. They should be just long enough to cover one eyebrow, and therefore negating the need to regularly keep both eyebrows plucked. Just do the one that shows and catch up on the other when you have time.

2. Buy a Wide Belt
Bloaty days. Ugh. Defeat them by defiantly wearing oversized t-shirts for maximum comfort. Keep a wide belt in your car and snap in on over your near dress-proportion of a shirt the moment just before you step out of the vehicle. Mess your hair a bit and throw on a 3XL cardigan to add to the irony, and you're set.

3. Closed-toed Shoes
Pedicures take forever. I'm pretty sure my last pedicure was over six years ago. Once my children are all in school, I'll look into it again. Until then, flat slip-on shoes with closed toes are the daily necessity.

4. Baby Wipes
Just keep packs of baby wipes everywhere. Things in your life are crazy, you will get spilled on, you will forget to put on deodorant, you will apply mascara to your lips, thinking you grabbed the gloss. Buy cases of wipes and never have to rock the 'Accidental Goth' again.

5. Carry a Travel Mug
If you really look terrible, holding a travel mug in your hand sends a strong statement. "I know, but look--I'm on my way to take care of it. Right. Now."

6. Blame it on Your Children/Work/Pet/The Alcohol
You'll get the most sympathy if you go with 'pet' here.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Fall back

Dear End-of-Daylight-Savings-Time-Extra-Sleep-I-was-Promised,

I wish we could know each other better, but you seem to have forgotten to introduce yourself to my children. I should like you to make their acquaintance as quickly as possible so as to avoid this lack of familiarity in the future.

Yours affectionately,

Thursday, November 3, 2011


Oh, the old tales of great Leaders-of-Men
have been told to us all again and again.
Now one in particular--take heed to recall
about Captain Odie, bravest of all.

Months into years of repetitive blight
with only his ol' country home in his sight.
For cursed did he the gods of his feats -
they took it as challenge, and arised to meet.

So mere miles from home, they sent a great wind
and against mighty storms he still'd never rescind.
True imps and ill creatures our hero did know.
His worst encounter--the story of this poem.

Like all good seamen, Captain Odie well knew
of the darkly troubled waters they passed through.
How the island off starboard troubled the crew!
-but because he's the hero, he knew what to do.

"Tie me to the mast!" the order came,
"No matter how I may cry out, leave me the same,
and cover up, too, your eyes and your ears.
Then row men, your hearts out; keep safe from your fears."

An eerie silence fell as they row'd along
Then all in a minute, he heard her song.
The power of her call he did not expect.
His courage, his passion! All displaced, to affect.

"Oh, men. She needs me!" He screamed out to his crew.
"And she promises treasure for me and for you!
Chocolate chip cookies, Vanilla Coke galore.
Nutella croissants, root beer floats, and more!

"A cup of espresso, milk perfectly steamed.
Java chip iced lattes, topped with whip'd cream.
Peanut butter dipped into dark chocolate bites.
Go, let us go, men! Fulfill in delights."

The boys rowed on--into safety they passed.
The old captain's senses returning at last.
But a tear did he shed, comprehending her plea.
"She was tied up, too. She just wants to be free."

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