Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Thursday, March 22, 2012

It's so hard to be the misunderstood artist.

Me: Hey remember that time I wrote that hilarious thing about diapers?
Hubs: No.
Me: You know, "I survived Poosplosion 2011 and all I got was feces on my t-shirt."
Hubs: Oh, yeah.
Me: See, it's hilarious, because it's a play on that phrase you see on t-shirts.

Hubs: Yep.
Me: Ugh. Whatever.
Hubs: What?!
Me: You are not laughing hysterically at my genius. You are clearly not worthy to know about my life.

Hubs: I don't know if you've noticed, but I typically don't hysterically laugh at things that are genius.
Me: I have noticed that. And it's not working out for me at all.
Hubs: Well, what are you going to do?
Me: [exasperated] I'm going to start wearing cat costumes and running into things!
Hubs: [laughing hysterically]
Me: This is terrible!

Sunday, March 11, 2012


when the ticking of the midnight clock
should descend into tumult of night
and stroke it’s merciful, day breaking tock
with all it’s waking might

a new creature appears full-up of hope,
daring for precepts to shatter
her nights dreams are not outside her scope
her betrayers will all be scattered

what you have known is a quiet shadow
- though I can hear your incredulous laughter -
this pan will allow a vociferous crow
when the fairy-spell is broke, ever after.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Stars in your eyes

I wrote this almost two years ago, and it's been ringing in my head again.

You've been growing a garden of stars in your eyes
and your harvests will show full of light
You've been tending your courage and strengthening ties 
and your song reaches yet untold heights 

Like a sailor on land, far too many nights
you're writhing and wrenching for freedom and flight
Because eyes full of fire already apprise
then propel into darkness, brightly to sigh.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Base Camp to Summit in Four Days

The view from here is... spectacular. There's nothing like standing on top of Mt. Washmore.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The Three Shortest Days of My Life

A Life Lived Twice Over, a memoir.
It Didn’t Feel Short to Me, Pal.

I never thought I’d be the type to keep a journal like this, but my therapist suggested it might be a cathartic way to unload some of this stress, and at this point, I’ll try anything. See, at any moment, I’m going to die, which is an incredibly exhausting way to live.

My life began just like any other 24-hour flu bug. My parents were your average working class germs, just doing their best to feed the family. They managed to reproduce 16,000 times before they died, which is really impressive, even for our kind. I was one of their youngest, so they hadn’t much of the gusto of their youth left when I knew them. When it came time to bequeathing wisdom and advice on my siblings and me at the end of their minutes, they made one point very, very strongly: “Live every hour like it’s your last.”

I took it to heart. Even though I would never see my brothers and sisters again, I decided to take a quarter hour after high school graduation to discover myself and see the world; I hopped on the first airborne sneeze and didn’t look back. That was a really defining time for me; I had grown up in the monotonous safety of your typical suburban white male, but I found myself now exploring the exotic terrain of a Spanish female. What a different world; so many new tastes and smells! I later met my wife on that trip. She was a full two hours older than me so my buddies all called me the cougar hunter after that. Ha, they were just jealous because she had such germ-bearing haemaglutinin. We found a nice Southern stomach to settle down in, and started having our own little germies right away, and as they grew, I gave them the same advice my old parents, rest their capsids, had given me. Eventually I gave the eulogy at my wife’s funeral, and, knowing my minutes were numbered, I made peace with the world and decided to spend my last moments drafting and accomplishing a bucket list of grandiose proportions.

I started by yellow river rafting, something I’d always wanted to do, but had seemed too dangerous to tackle while I had children depending on me. What a rush! The next item on my list was frightening and exhilarating: a spelunking adventure into the Intestinal Caverns. I remember feeling so lucky, thinking, “what if I had never witnessed this? So much natural beauty!” There was an avalanche though, and I’m genuinely surprised I made it out alive. By this time I expected to be dead anyway, so I upped the ante and decided to climb to the highest heights known to flukind: one of the two great mountains, Mt. Lung and Mt. Bronchi. I didn’t expect to survive the journey to the foothills, let alone the climb to the summit, being as old as I already was, so I was a bit reckless in packing for it. Something started to feel very wrong though, when I realized, as I’d settled into my base camp a third of the way up, that I was now nearly 48 hours old.

It was a lonely and terrifying time, climbing that mountain. There must have been quakes; the mountains trembled and shuddered the entire time, and I was already a great deal older than anyone I’d ever known. When you expect at any given moment you’re about to drop dead, it can really grate on your nerves. The slightest sound made me twitch and I started to feel paranoid. Finally I just decided that I was there anyway, and I may as well confidently finish. Maybe it was my destiny to lay to rest at the top of those glorious mountain peaks?

I finished my climb and waited a full half hour for my end to come. Nothing changed. I started the walk back down when I reached the bottom, I couldn’t think of another adventure to tackle, so I simply kept walking, wondering, “What on body do I do next?”

I was weary, confused, and beginning to despair. After hours of travel, I found myself South of the border in a little settlement called Bladder. I had heard of Bladder, but it’s such a harsh, hostile place, and so few germs and viruses can really thrive there, that I had thought it was a myth. It’s real alright, but terrifying. Even more terrifying though, was standing outside and realizing that not even the acid rain would bring me to my end. So I began to panic, wondering what might be my fate, and if I would ever have rest. I asked around and discovered there was an old and wise therapist, Dr. Teipwhirm, living in the Bowel region and I made my way to see him, but his office was closed by the time I arrived.  

I had a breakdown, right there on his front step, I’m a bit embarrassed to admit. I feel it’s important to be honest though, so here it is: I had accomplished more than any germ could ever have hoped or expected in their lifetime, yet all I could feel was soul-crushing loneliness. Luckily, Dr. Teipwhirm had forgotten his keys and came back to to his office, nearly tripping over me in the process. He listened intently to my tale and told me that though he’d lived a long time, he was astounded to hear my story. He advised me to travel to the frozen North, farther even than the great mountains I had already conquered, where there was a secret, beautiful place called Nostril filled with snot springs. “You could sit out in the chilly air, resting in a steaming bath, and have some real relaxation there, to wait out your end,” he said. “And while you’re there, journal all this out; you’ll find it relaxes you to give your life story purpose if it has a chance to be shared with others.”

So here I am, not knowing why I’ve lived through so much more than I ever thought I’d do or see, but quietly grateful for the hope that this will all be something shared with some other bugs someday. I’ll finish for now; it’s getting harder to write here because these dark clouds are blocking out the light again, and I’m hearing tsunami warnings coming from the radio--supposedly a big wave is coming in a few seconds. At this point, maybe I'll just try to surf it.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Happy Halvsies

When I was a kid, school didn't start until mid or late September. Everyone born in the Summer months wouldn't have a class party on their birthday, so the teachers' solution was to celebrate the half-birthday; the day you were born, six months later. Much to everyone's dismay, I am sure, we discovered that six months from my birthday, August 29th, is Leap Day.  My class birthday was grouped in with some other Summer oddballs, but happily, within my family, it became a sort of occasion growing up, to halfheartedly celebrate my half birthday every four years.

So here's to my half birthday and the end of a very productive and remarkable February. We managed to adhere to our February life plan pretty well, as well as celebrate Aaron's birthday over the course of two and a half weeks, spoiling him to no end. I finished Wuthering Heights and loved to experience and compare and contrast the most famous works of two of the Bronte sisters back to back.

We got half of our new shelf system I'd been dreaming of, so it's a great start. Also, Sbreaking development: sold the old broken washer and dryer and ordered new ones, arriving Monday. OH SNAP!


Body:Continue ingesting mostly water/homemade desserts, and add daily stretches. It's time to bring my flexy back. Yeah.

1. Read Around the World in 80 Days. I need something light and a bit quick; I'm feeling busier than ever!
2. Memorize a Classical Poem. So excited about this. Suggestions welcome.

Home: Time to plant this year's garden and get our patio cleared of clutter, organized, and back in order.