Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Important Letters

Dear Freshly-washed Baby,

You are the softest thing I have ever snuggled, and I love you for it.

Love, me.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Stress Eating on a Budget: A How-To Guide.

Ah, stress eating. What a glorious part of human tradition. Our ancestral genetics communicate the fear of death or pain and trigger our bodies to store up some insulation for coping with the terrors of pre-industrialized life. Things to be truly frightened of - killer diseases like colds and diarrhea, or natural predators like raging fires burning our twig huts, and the sabre-toothed cat attacks that are sure to follow - are defended by adding carbs and fat for energy and healing surpluses. The same fantastic impulses periodically race efficaciously through your brain's survival response too, the only difference being our stressors now are more like break ups, taxes, and failing at the same Angry Birds level 37 times and counting (10-1 of Chapter 4--curse those hateful boomerang birds. I'm glad your offspring were stolen from you to be devoured by swine; you certainly don't deserve to reproduce!).

Since you recently paid your taxes and you're too busy pursuing vengeance on behalf of our avian compadres to work much, you're going to need to handle all your stress ingestion on the cheap. Not to worry; the following shopping list will show you how to do just that. Ready? Next time you go to the store, buy:

1. Pasta
Most places still offer a 1-lb bag of carbalicious heaven for around a buck. Stock well. Add butter sauce, tomato sauce, a handful of shredded cheese, or any combination of those, all for mere cents per serving. Change it up often; we don't want you burning out on your carbo-loading.

2. Chocolate.
Combine with just about any fruit for maximum caloric intake on that stress-gorging streak. Bananas are a good choice because they are cheaper than dirt. In fact, now that you mention it...

3. Bananas.
Ice cream is expensive. Buy an unholy amount of bananas. Freeze some when they turn solid brown and mushy. Mash some frozen banans up with some cocoa powder. 30¢ Dessert. Done. Eat fifty of these in a week if you want, I don't care.

4. In'n'Out Burger.
For the splurgey days. Get a shake (chocolate or vanilla--not strawberry) and a burger & fries. Dip your fries in your shake. Don't ask questions, just do it. You'll see.

5. Mashed Potatoes.
Keep potatoes on hand. When you're stressed, mash them by hand. Don't let machines do the work for you; really dig into whatever's making you uppity and picture it in there with those potatoes, being destroyed by your brute strength. Then eat the whole bowl of potatoes with your bare hands. Who's going to stop you? Nobody. Grab a spoon if you add gravy, though... nobody likes a slob.

Take these simple tips to heart next time you need to show those little green pigs you're serious about coming after them and destroying their thieving, greedy colony with the raw power of your potato-mashing muscles.

Speaking of angry birds, though, have you guys seen this?

They already haunt me on my phone; why in 3D too?
Curse you, Angry Birds.