You had to know it was only a matter of time...

Pregnancy rant:

I practically suffocate at the sight of pregnancy-related reading materials. All the reproduction related books, guides, and websites seem to cling to one of two philosophies: incredibly clinical or overly-warm and endearing. I really must take a minute each day to revel in my own snarky brand of embracing the incredible conundrum that is my body, building a little human, lest I go insane.

Case in point: I cannot say how many times I've read or heard someone spouting about how beautiful, thick, and luscious their hair was during pregnancy. This is partially true, but the reality is not that your hair itself gets thicker. Rather, the surge of hormones communicates to the body that the normal amount of "shedding" should cease and the body should hang onto as much of that hair as possible, likely for strategic heating purposes, intended to protect mothers who gave birth while living in the dark ages, or Alaska. So, a fuller mane is something to be appreciated, yes?

Ugh. No.

First and foremost, these hormones don't last forever, so you can expect a mass exodus of your prized locks (if that's even how it worked out for you; it tends for most to be more awkward than anything) sometime after delivery. Picture yourself sneaking away from all the new mothering world entails for a quick, refreshing shower. As you shampoo your hair, gobs and gobs of it begin to rinse out into your hands. This can happen several times before you're finished with your hormone purge. Sounds delightful, doesn't it?

Additionally, hair does not only grow on heads, ladies, and this hormone hair-retention mandate affects you from head to toe. I pluck my eyebrows four times more often when pregnant than when not pregnant. Shaving is an utter nightmare; equilibrium goes out the window, and successfully bending and stretching around the belly to try and commence with a deforestation operation on the legs is notoriously challenging. The activity is currently under consideration by the International Olympic Committee to be added as a new event in the Summer games. I'm a modest and compassionate person, so I'll save you from the description of what it's like to try and groom those "hard to reach" places with a bowling ball sized obstruction keeping quarters in your midsection.

Nevertheless, I do my best to make building a baby, and all the stuff and nonsense that entails, look good.

37.5 weeks down, roughly 17 days to go. I wonder how many more pregnancy rants will find their way to this blog before she's delivered?